UrbanUpdate

It has come to my attention that there is a device available for purchase that harnesses the terrifying power of electricity—Zeus’ gift to man—to slurp gunk from out of your facial pores. It's called a blackhead vacuum and it's roughly the size of a banana.

This device is a popular topic of discussion on skincare forums. It's easy to imagine why—a tiny, handheld vacuum that gently suction-cleanses your face, like taking seeds off of a strawberry. Wow, that sounds amazing, you are thinking, logging onto Amazon dot com. Wow, it is only $20, you are thinking, that’s like four coffees, or two sandwiches, but instead it’s a device that will render my skin the texture of a power-washed dinner plate. Incredible. Click, ship, arrive in two days. How do I use this thing?

And the answer is: You don’t.

You do not use the Evacuator X6000. You do not press it to your nose, activate the GunkSuck™ feature in one of five suction speeds ranging from a gentle inhale to opening a door on a plane, and go to town. You are forbidden from going to town. I was originally asked to test and review one of these devices for this esteemed website, which I cannot do in good conscience. There are four reasons why.

Reason #1: Your pores do not need to be unclogged.If you were to examine your nose in a magnifying mirror, you would be horrified to discover an average of 20,000 pores, all looking kind of gross. If you pick one at random and push both sides of it, it will release a beige noodle unto the world. It is extremely nice to watch and do.

But that is not extracting a pore!!!!!! What you are doing, I found out, is "expressing" a "sebaceous filament," or a kind of spongy reverse-drain that sits in your pore and traffics oil upward out of the skin. They are very useful and we love them.

Reason #1a: Do you know what happens when you express sebaceous filaments?Sebum floods beneath your skin and pours out of your eyes and mouth. It is a lukewarm mucus that tastes stinky, and smells like unwashed flesh. It is nonfatal but immediate medical attention is advised.

Just kidding! I actually do not know what happens if oil can’t properly cycle through your skin, but I do know that the pore, desperately accumulating sebum, rebuilds the sebaceous filament, which presses against the wall of the pore, likely making it larger. They probably won’t exceed the diameter of a grain of sand, but your skin also doesn’t look better than before, so what is the point?

Reason #1b: But what if they’re blackheads?These happen and they are fine. If they are extremely unsightly, seek a dermatologist or medical aesthetician, but I doubt they are, because:

Reason #2: Nobody cares about your pores.I think pore maintenance is natural because we all hate our faces, and pores seem like the perfect output for our hatred, being so tiny and feeble. Once you get a good, magnified look at your skin, it is hard not to be disturbed by the tens of thousands of tar pits you see. It is fine to feel this way, so long as you understand that not a soul on God’s green Earth gives a heck about your pores.

Never in my life have I noticed the pores of a stranger. Have you? In what situation would you be close enough to a person to gaze into their pores? Looking at them while they are sleeping? Eyes-open Eskimo kissing? Given the intimacy of these settings, I would venture to guess that your relationship has transcended parsing their littlest physical attributes.

My boyfriend, the most wonderful man on Earth, sometimes openly expresses discomfort about his “huge pores.” I have never noticed them. We are all Zeus’ gorgeous children.

Reason #3: Pore size cannot be changed.It is simply impossible.

Reason #4: The one I got was very suspect.I ordered a very well-rated device from Amazon that arrived covered in spelling errors. (It appears to have been assembled by a Chinese company.) Listen, I am not here to translation-police—it is truly an art form, not to mention expensive, and also there is a literal gulf of linguistic difference between Chinese and English—but given what is at stake here, my face, it isn't comforting to see basic words misspelled. I feel bad admitting this. I am sorry if it makes me a terrible person.

Reason #4a: The charging time, man.I charged the thing with the intent to observe, and write similes for, the way it operates, only to find it DEAD hours after unplugging the charger, as if it had been leaking sweet, precious energy all afternoon. Where does this inert energy go? And also, what the hell?? This is not a convincing piece of equipment. Why would you press it to your face?

Reason #4b: The reviews seem fake.Livingston Paula on Amazon: “I use it with my bothering whiteheads well, you can try it.” McCoy Paul: “This pore cleaner will come with an USB charge cable, it don't require batteries. Hope you will like this blackhead remover tool.” Mark: “the workmanship is fine, small and exquisite, the use is convenient, strong and durable, the blackhead removing effect is particularly good, the skin on the face can be cleaned up, the appearance design is more beautiful, the merchants are satisfied with the service attitude, the goods arrive very quickly.” Two reviews, from “Nadia” and “Parker Watson” are identical. It's like they are not even trying.

In conclusion: Don’t buy this!!!!!Do not go to town. The journey is perilous. Stay in your quaint forest village, where nobody gives a hoot or holler about pores. Thank you for reading.

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