UrbanUpdate

Let me start by saying that I love drinking very much, in a healthy and measured and prudent way. I love a glass of wine with dinner or in the shower. I love the bracing chill of a tequila soda as it travels down my esophagus. I don’t like beer but prefer it to not drinking at all. But I want to start drinking less. When I fully cease consuming alcohol, I anticipate that my quality of life will improve by about 35%, as I will be unencumbered by the physical and emotional toll that binge drinking inflicts on me and others.

But I can’t not! It’s so deeply ingrained in my social life. To renounce drinking now would be to embrace reclusivity, which is another thing I hope to do a few years from now. I like the ritual of a drink before bed to make me a little bit sleepier, or a shot before a date for Dutch courage. If only there was another readily-available substance that offered a similar state of being, but without all of the terrible side effects from alcohol.

Oh, wait, there is! It’s weed. And it’s great. In fact, it’s much, much, better than drinking.

Why are we even still drinking? As we march towards death, our liver’s ability to process alcohol in a tidy and efficient manner steadily degrades. That formerly three-hour hangover, becomes, later in life, a two- to three-day recovery ordeal. I love a day of nausea and depression like every other person, but as the summer approaches, shouldn’t we be maximizing our sunlight hours? This is no time to be hungover. Plus there’s still a way to have fun: With a respectful amount of weed!

In states where weed is legalized, there’s a measurable eclipse happening in how people are getting fucked up: Last year in Aspen, marijuana sales overtook alcohol sales by almost a billion dollars. Denver’s Prop 300 allows certain bars and restaurants to permit the consumption of marijuana indoors in edible or vape form. (The city also welcomed its first “consumption club,” or a weed-based bar, earlier this year.) As public opinion for legalization turns increasingly positive, this phenomenon could spread throughout the country in the coming decades, as more and more Americans read this article and agree that I am correct.

Also, more than 33,000 people died alcohol-related deaths in 2015, according to the CDC. This is old news, but no one has been recorded as dying from a marijuana overdose. Though, of course, plenty of people probably died while high in Darwin Awards-type situations.

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I cannot condone quasi-legal activity from my digital pulpit, but it’s worth noting: If you are willing to barter with the last vestiges of your dignity, you can vape almost anywhere. (I have an O.Pen and am constantly derided for it, but it’s discreet, effective, and comes in fun colors like orange.) You buy mouthpieces filled with herbal sap, screw them on top, and voila! You’re now also a funnier person, or at least you think you are.

OK, so maybe weed doesn't quite have alcohol's effectiveness when it comes to social lubrication—nor is it socially acceptable at, say, a work function, or your daughter's sixth birthday. And maybe it isn't quite a 1 for 1 exchange in terms of the experience. But let's remember: Alcohol is a depressant, and marijuana is a stimulant. Both seem to dull your ability to process information in the moment, but the real value is felt the morning after: Alcohol hangovers prey on your depression, anxiety, and general will to live. You can, if you really go for it, get a weed hangover. But those are so much less debilitating than a booze hangover. They just make you tired and a little brain-foggy. Sleep it off, drink some water, and go enjoy the rest of your day. (Weed hangovers, by the way, can be counteracted with THC's legal-everywhere cousin, CBD.)

As always, though, you should take caution with regards to your intake. Though medical professionals are hesitant to declare marijuana as capital-b Bad for you, lung damage and memory problems are the kinds of side-effects doctors are observing on regular, heavy smokers. There’s also whisper that if you have a history of schizophrenia in your family, you should stay off the stuff, which is terrifying. Heavy alcohol consumption is also very bad for you. That leaves us with a third option: If you’re able to have a good time sober, great. Cool brag. Go crazy. Me? I'll be in the corner of the party, going less crazy, vaping quietly, and inhaling the snack bar. Rest assured, I am having a great time.