Five of the Highest-Calorie Coffees in America
Breakfast fact: Coffee has two calories. Two. Coffee has fewer calories than gum. If you drink it black, which no one really does unless they’re Cuban or an L.A. detective in 1942, it’ll wake you up in pretty healthy fashion. So what do we do with a beverage that’s popular, natural, freely available, and reasonably good for you? We dump it into a 60-oz. container, thicken it with cream, add sprinkles, and then, just in case our circulatory systems are still functioning, cover it in brownie dust.
According to a 2013 survey by the National Coffee Association, which has terrible breath and spends most of its meetings going to the bathroom, 83 percent of American adults drink coffee, averaging three cups a day. Generally speaking, the calorie counts of these coffees correspond to the stupidity of their names—if you’re uttering the words “caramel,” “supreme,” or “lotta,” you’re basically about to drink a small ham.
Just to recap, you’re supposed to take in about 2,200 to 2,400 calories a day, so you can torch about half of that at a Dunkin’ Donuts by 8 A.M. if you get up early enough.
As a public service, we sampled five of the highest-calorie “coffees” in America. The results made us feel bad.
5. Starbucks Venti Iced Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha (24 oz.)Calories: 680Just in time for holiday-season body-shaming, Starbucks has invented something that tastes like peppermint bark melted into liquid caramel. It starts to punch you in the stomach at around the seventh sip.Does this count as coffee? It’d feel a little more legitimate if the cup didn’t have “peppermint syrup” printed right there on the side.
4. Au Bon Pain: Coffee Blast (24 oz.)Calories: 690Confession: The Au Bon Pain is closer to my wife’s office, so I asked her to do this one. She texted a picture: “All I know is that there is mocha, espresso, and ice cream involved. I would be awake all night and gain 10 lbs. on the spot.” While I did not taste it myself, I can confirm from the photo that the whipped cream in this one IS distinguished by its being topped with chocolate shavings.Does this count as coffee? No, but it definitely counts as a BLAST. “Waiter, may I please have a BLAST?”
3. Sonic: Mocha Java Chiller (15 oz)Calories: 880Again with the whipped cream. Who in the hell wants whipped cream this early? Is there some secret society of whipped-cream aficionados that wakes up at 5 A.M. and can’t start their day without huge dollops of dairy?Does this count as coffee? No, but at least I didn’t have to get out of my car.
2. Dunkin’ Donuts: Frozen Caramel Coffee Coolatta (32 oz.)Calories: 990Here we have a breakfast milkshake. The thing seems to weigh several pounds and is neither the color nor consistency of something that would make you think, “I should put that in my mouth.” It looks like the fluid that comes out of your carpet cleaner. I do have to admit enjoying the taste, though. I mean, it’s hard to hate a chocolate shake.Does this count as coffee? Hardly. Even starting it with the letter “C” is kind of a dick move.
1. Krispy Kreme: Mocha Dream Chiller (20 oz.)Calories: 1,050Congratulations are in order for Krispy Kreme, which found a way to shovel four digits’ worth of calories into a cup; we couldn’t think of a way to do that without filling it full of butter. This quote-fingers coffee contains 94 grams of sugar and 180 percent of your RDA of saturated fat, so you’d almost be better off with a bowl of candy canes. It’s topped with whipped cream, because why wouldn’t it be?Does this count as coffee? It almost counts as a lake. Oh, and be sure to pair your thousand-calorie beverage with a donut! At this point, why not?
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