Summer, It's Time We Break-up (For Now)
You know, summer is great. There's that pre-summer week where everybody gets all frisky, there's beaches, there's socially-acceptable ice cream (as opposed to the pints we squirrel away in winter), there's vacation, and there's plenty of relaxation. But it's around the end of August and early September that we start to turn on the season of leisure. It's not you, summer—wait, it actually is. Your oppressive heat, your burning sun, and your consistent denial of outerwear feels abusive. It's as if you took our phone and deleted all our contacts, and you STILL don't trust us. Here's why we're so ready to break up, at least, until we feel the same way about fall, and winter, at which time we'll send you a text. "U up?"
We Miss Our Beloved Leather JacketYou know what makes us really happy? That feeling when we put on our leather jacket. That instant sex appeal that makes us feel unstoppable, like a beast. Suddenly marrying a supermodel, being a rockstar, being rich but not stuck-up, and flying to the moon all seem possible because we look damn good. You keep us from this, summer. We want it back. Fall will give it to us.
Dryness, Just in GeneralThere's swamp ass, and then there's Amazon-butt, the cruel cousin of swamp ass. It comes about in the final weeks of summer and makes dryness nearly impossible. We resign ourselves to chafing, discomfort, and sogginess despite our best efforts. We can't explain the excitement of wearing cotton underwear, not powdering our privates, and not wondering if our waistband is carrying a ring of perspiration. All praise dryness.
Our JeansThough we always have a pair of paper-thing, light-as-air jeans ready for the summer, they're not the same as our favorite pairs—the ones we wore in that first year we found love. They caress our legs like a lover who knows every inch of our body! But, with cruel temperatures, there's no way we can pull 'em on.
Sweaters! Real Ones!Hey, we love a summer sweater, we even have personal rankings of our favorites. But we've had enough of that lightweight layer. We want something heavy. We want something that may hide the weight-gain of Labor Day barbecues. We'd even settle for a gray crewneck sweatshirt.
The Joy of SocksWe've been going sock-less for a few months now, and while we love the look, our feet our kind of gnarly for it. After a summer of doing it, the insides of our shoes could use some freshening—particularly for those of us who go skin to sole without no-show socks. Come to us, socks!
Setting Our Canvas Sneakers on FireRemember when we told you to just wear the hell out of a pair of sub-$50 canvas sneakers all summer? Well, now that we're at the end, you can ceremoniously cremate them and turn to heavier, sturdier, leather shoes. Dropped temperatures will make them more comfortable and obviously, less stank.
Beards! Facial Hair! Moustaches!In efforts to avoid weird tanlines, we've been going clean-shaven or stopping at stubble for months now. We miss our beards, we miss their virile power, and even their scratchiness. Once we're fully in fall, expect us to ditch those razors.
Backpacks on Our BacksSummer sweating means we've been doing as little as possible to cover ourselves. Anybody who's carried a backpack in humidity knows that your basically asking for a sheet of back sweat. But, at least your hands-free. When the breeziness of September sets in, we'll be strapping up and flailing our arms as much as we can, fully knowing we'll be fresh for the office.
Pumpkin Spice LattésLol no.
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