Seven Rules to a Regretless Summer Fling
Why is summer so great for flings? Is it the explosives? The suggestive hot-dog eating? The infectious symbolism of jorts, itself a beautiful thing cut short for maximum enjoyment? I don't know, I didn't make the rule that sweat times are sex times. Santana and Rob Thomas did.
What I do know is that a summer fling is expressly aimless and finite—which only heightens the outside-the-lines sexiness of the whole thing. But, like tubing down a lazy river with a tallboy in hand, that level of relaxation still requires a bit of navigation. In other words, there are summer fling courtesies to observe. Follow these rules, and there won't be any weirdness come Labor Day.
Draft the ContractThe first step to avoiding end-of-fling weirdness is outlining the terms of engagement early, and forthrightly. "Hey," you'll say sweetly on, like, the third date, "I really enjoy spending time with you, but I'm not looking for anything serious this summer/right now/for the next 17 hours. What about you?" That information, coupled with your genuine interest in her take on the situation, will be the keystone upon which you'll construct an interlude of mutual free-spirited pleasure and freakiness.
Fling Yourself off the Beaten PathOften a fling works precisely because you know you could never survive with this other person long-term. Maybe she's slightly basic, and you met while she was buying a "TURNT" keychain at an airbrushed t-shirt stand, where you noticed that her ass was the exact color and texture of a Werther's Original. Or maybe he works at a traveling carnival and, though he swears otherwise, is married to the Tilt-a-Whirl. In other words: a fling is the perfect moment to try new flavors, relationship-wise.
You Are Not the Reminders AppNo girl wants the elevated intensity of a temporary romance ruined by the guy who interrupts coitus to double check that "this isn't getting serious, right?" or who peppers conversation with mentions of his sometimes-girlfriend Sharon, who will be waiting for him back home once the summer fudge shops of Nantucket close their quaint wooden shutters. We get it, Robocop. We're not tattooing your name on our ribcages either.
Keep Sacred the ChillnessThis is about fun! It's not about your worries and hopes and dreams and all that stuff you have to suffer through explaining when you're gauging another person's til-death compatibility. Of course you can broach subjects that have more emotional gravity than, oh, which flavor of Sno Cone is best (root beer, obviously). But your flingee shouldn't be expected to unpack emotional baggage. That's what a rebound is for.
You Are Not A PsychicAvoid talking about the future with somebody who'll be downgraded to "Facebook follower" come the end of tank-top weather. It's hard, because as a soulful and overeager man, you may find yourself whispering sweet things into your fling's ear. Do tell her that she smells amazing. Don't promise that you'll visit in the fall. It sounds romantic in the moment, but it's mean and confusing if you don't plan to follow through. (And you don't. That's the point of the summer fling. Stay focused.)
Minimize Couple MomentsYour fling is the perfect companion for a friend-of-a-friend's pool party or an action movie grope session. Your fling is not guest material for your cousin's wedding or that summer rental with your bros, your bros' wives, and your bros' rug rats. You don't have to be painfully exclusionary, but boundaries, like a good DJ, prevent blurred lines.
Have, You Know, Fun!I just always feel that lists should end this way. Though not only is it barely a rule, it's not even the most important one. (That would be: "Bag it up and don't get Jersey Shore scabies.") Now go! Make dumb, expiration-date-laden love in the dunes. And as the ubiquitous yearbook messages proclaim: Have a great summer. Let's forget this ever happened within five years.
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