UrbanUpdate

If you've been landscaping your Speedo zone a couple times a month since graduating college (for intimate encounters) but it’s abrasive and annoying and you hate it, you might be wondering: How can I get the same results without scraping a razor over my man parts?

I’m thrilled to inform you that yes, you can and should get laser hair removal. Laser your junk until it's got exactly the amount of hair you want—which might be none.

It goes without saying that you don’t have to do anything you read on the Internet—your intimate grooming habits are between you, every person you’ve ever slept with, and God. But if you’re committed to shaving your pubic hair, laser just makes things so much easier. No more cuts! No more ingrown hairs! No more clandestine trims in your office bathroom because your date cancelled tomorrow but is actually free tonight, and things have been going really well, and you’d like to take things to the next level, do you know what I mean?! For people who enjoy a clean undercarriage but don’t enjoy cleaning it, laser hair removal is almost too good to be true.

That, however, is the only demographic that should laser. The procedure requires much less commitment than a daily shave—a couple of sessions over the course of a few months—but the effects are fairly permanent. (Important to note, since laser is touted as leaving you forever bald, that the clinical promise is 70% hair removal, which is why dermatologists and plastic surgeons recommend maintenance appointments two to three times a year.) Lasers are shot into your skin, hair follicles absorb the heat, and they subsequently self-destruct. Once you lose a hair follicle, it’s gone. Nothing short of a hair transplant will replace it. Always read the fine print before bargaining with Satan for your hairless groin.

Perhaps you’ve been considering it anyway, and you’ve come here to inform yourself—commendable behavior. Let's address the big questions:

Does it hurt?

Great question. The laser is not pleasant—it’s maybe one of the least relaxing things you can get off a spa menu—but it doesn’t hurt. Most doctors liken the sensation to a rubber band being lightly bounced on the skin, and that’s pretty apt. At worst, it feels like a pinch. At best, it feels like barely anything at all.

Any prep required?

You have to shave before each appointment! Seems counterintuitive, right?

How often do you have to do it?

It depends, but it’s usually more than one appointment—the technician can advise depending on what exactly you’re getting lasered, your hair density, and all of that stuff. Prepare for three to six monthly sessions, although it’s bound to vary. And then boom! You’re bald.

Totally bald?

Well, not quite—nuking 70% of your hair follicles will make you mostly hairless, but you might be prone to lighter hair, which you’ll barely notice. If it’s anything more than that, a few yearly appointments will take care of it. If you’re looking for sparser hair, as opposed to Ken-doll smoothness, your technician should be able to tailor the process to that, and it’s a great solution for guys who don’t want to make the full plunge but are interested in keeping everything tidier. Be specific about what you want. It’s usually possible.

You’re so knowledgeable.

Wow, thank you.

How about the cost?

It runs the gamut. Tons of places do laser now, so it’s less expensive than it once was, but you’re looking at around $500 for the whole thing. That's the price you pay for not having to put a razor near your junk. Packages are available, but hair-removal enthusiasts recommend paying per appointment, in case you don’t need to go as often.

And when we refer obliquely to the groin region, we're talking about...

Everything. If the surface in question bears hair, it is eligible to be lasered. Shaft, balls, ass, place between the balls and ass that has a name that I hate. The most important thing to remember is that unlike a wax, where you point at an unwanted patch of hair and a stern woman rips it from your flesh, laser should be a conversation. Think—very hard—about what you’re comfortable with. Talk to the love of your life about it. Prepare for the sensation of one thousand rubber bands cracking at once around your most precious region. Once you're OK with that, you're good to go.