UrbanUpdate

Ian Ziering, he of Sharknado fame, visited The Today Show yesterday to promote the franchise’s latest installment: Sharknado 5: Global Swarming. The actor was dressed in a respectable crewneck T-shirt (though the arms were a little, um, snug), dark jeans, and black leather boots: call it C-List Chic. His accessories consisted of a big sporty watch and a gym bag. Not just any gym bag, though. This was a lacrosse bag—a comically, comically large one—made by Ziering’s own “Chainsaw Brands.”

Chainsaw Brands launched back in 2014, but we'll forgive your blank stare. Briefly: Chainsaw Brands sells nondescript T-shirts and sweat shorts emblazoned with a double chainsaw logo. The branding is presumably a nod to the famously ridiculous scene in Sharknado 3, wherein Ziering dives into a shark’s mouth with a chainsaw in hand. And emerges. (The Photoshop work on the website is a sight to behold.)

Now, we probably shouldn’t count on Chainsaw Brands founder and Sharknado star Ian Ziering to play it subtle when it comes to basically anything. But let’s be clear: No matter how hopped up on protein powder you are, you should never carry a gym bag this large. You shouldn’t use a bag like this for weekend trips, or holiday travel, or literally anything other than professional lacrosse. If you have this much stuff to carry, you need a suitcase, preferably something on wheels. If you have this much stuff to carry to and from a promotional appearance on a network morning show, consider the possibility that you overpacked. Because "maybe transporting a dead body" is no one's best look.

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