UrbanUpdate

In case you somehow missed it, this week we were all subjected to photos of Pete Davidson engaging in some intense tonsil hockey with actress Kate Beckinsale—at an actual hockey game, no less. As a hockey fan, I was personally thrilled to find out that people were still attending Rangers games, let alone hot people like Queer Eye's Antoni and Kate herself. The graphic photos became instant meme fodder, and inspired a range of reactions from disgust to mild approval to downright encouragement. While we have a lot more important things to argue about, society’s collective discordance brings us back to the age-old fight surrounding PDA: Is it okay? If so, how much? Allow me to explain how to keep your PDA non-controversial.

Look, PDA is just like clicking a pen: great when you’re the one doing it, and potentially terrible for everyone around you. The science behind it basically says that we perform PDA in order to show off, which make sense, considering most of us aren’t tonguing in front of MeeMaw or going in for a butt squeeze in full view of upper management. PDA is inherently about the transgression, no matter how large or small, of doing something private in public. This makes it very thrilling for the parties involved, and very eye-roll-inducing for the rest of us who are just waiting in line for the bathroom at Kirk’s 34th birthday party.

The reason we’re uptight about PDA most likely has its origins in organized religion, misogyny, and the weird etiquette of the Regency period. Regardless of the roots, and how far we’ve been comin’ out of our prudish cage and doin’ just fine as a country (remember when J-Lo’s Grammy dress was shocking?), we’re all still a bit divided about public smooching. This 1984 New York Times article about PDA largely sounds like it could have been written today.

As the article (somewhat uncomfortably) alludes to, part of what makes PDA polarizing has to do with cultural and social norms. Certainly, PDA is safer for some groups of people than others. To bring it back to hockey, it wasn’t until January 9, 2016, that a gay couple made it onto a kiss cam at a major sporting event (I was at this Kings game! I’m a real fan!).

There are tiers to PDA, to be sure. Part of what made the Pete Davidson/Kate Beckinsale photos so salacious was their generous use of tongue, which, in my not-at-all humble opinion, pushed this particular instance of PDA into controversial territory. So what makes certain displays palatable while other stuff makes us squirm?

Two things: whom you’re with, and how far you take it.

As anyone with two iotas of common sense would infer, you definitely want to avoid most, if not all, forms of PDA in front of your elderly relatives or your superiors at work. That should be obvious. The real guideline here is: If you’re hanging out with other people, even your close friends, keep your PDA relatively PG.

What constitutes low-level PDA? Hand holding, normal non-French kisses (keep ’em short!), and hugs, all of which are appropriate almost anywhere. These things don’t disrupt conversation or draw attention the way groping your partner or sitting in their lap does. When you’re with other people and you decide to ignore them to tongue your new girlfriend, what you’re saying to everyone else is that you prioritize your and your partner’s horniness over being involved in a normal, uninterrupted conversation, which is part of what makes PDA feel so rude.

If you and your partner are alone on a date, however, that’s an appropriate time and place for PDA. It’s unclear if Antoni from Queer Eye (yes, that’s his full name) was with Kate and Pete or just sitting near them, but if he was, I understand the look on his face, which, in case you’re bad at reading faces, was “Dear God, I’m just going to pretend this isn’t happening. Okay, I’m going to watch hockey doo-doo-doo. Are you guys kidding? Still?” Ignoring your friends to get frisky telegraphs that you’d rather be at home with your partner than sitting through this excruciating outing where you try to maintain friendships just in case you guys ever break up. So cool your jets, cowboy. You can make out in the Uber on the way home if your rider rating can stand to take a hit.

Over-the-line PDA is not just about whom you’re around, though, it’s also a matter of how far you go. Please, if you’re in public, don’t hump, finger, or otherwise sexually please your partner. The rest of us are just trying to buy an oat-milk latte in peace. There is a chasm twice the size of the Grand Canyon between a display of affection and trying to get a head start on tonight’s foreplay. It’s beyond rude; it’s violating. No one should be forced to watch your increasingly horny rub-down of your partner, okay? Going this far sexually is like picking your nose: meant to be done in the privacy of your car.

It’s not just horny stuff that makes the rest of us give you a “hard stare.” It’s also how long you’re going at it, and how loud you’re being—both in terms of volume and ostentation. Did you and your date leave your table to make out against a wall? Okay, sure. But is that wall in a busy hallway where servers and fellow diners are trying to get past you to use the bathroom? That is loud. Did you spend all 100 minutes of Free Solo locking lips in the theater? That’s too long. This is the kind of thing we allow from teenagers because they’re young, dumb, and full of hormones. As an adult, not so much. Now you’re just trying to make the rest of us feel weird. It reads like you’re trying to get us to notice that you have someone to make out with. (Which, in Pete’s case…may be true?) Basically, we can all tell the difference between a bona fide passionate make-out and a performative one.

Appropriate PDA, however, is nice. It’s nice to do, and it’s perfectly fine to be around. (It’s not like we looove watching people smooch, but if you witness a couple kiss while waiting at a crosswalk, you’re not going to immediately Oedipus your eyes.) Research even says that we have better opinions of couples who post about each other online—a specific, often grating type of PDA—as long as they don’t go overboard. We like seeing that people are in love, but less psyched about watching it play out in real time when we’re trying to hang out with them or, like Antoni from Queer Eye, just trying to enjoy the hockey game.

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