UrbanUpdate

Look at this man. Perry Farrell is, pretty obviously, a jungle cat. He's a prime physical specimen, a rock star in the cosmic sense, a man of wildly diverse active interests and a guy who is very, very difficult to interview about staying in shape. Because though Farrell, at 56, is cut like a beast and in peak condition, he is not a guy who shares his workout philosophy in what you might call "a linear fashion."

But here's the weird thing: His advice, when it comes, is a wild mix of new-age mysticism and the most consistently conservative approach to fitness you've ever heard. One minute it's, "Musicians were revered because we provided almost a psychiatry in the way people can hear a song and be healed by it," and the next it's "If you feel like you're eating too much, stay away for a while until you trim down."

So rather than try to fashion his thoughts into some synthetic order, we present Perry Farrell's Obviously Effective Yet Highly Non-Linear Rules of Fitness. (Only one of them involves throat-cutting!)

1. Aspire to "wow.""I know I'll be required to go out for two hours and take my shirt off for people who want to look at me and go, 'Wow,' Farrell says. "So what do I have to do to get that 'Wow'? The show itself will do it. It's two hours of high-impact aerobics. I'm singing at the highest velocity a person can project their voice for two hours, while moving, while smiling, while spinning, while arching, while leaping."

2. Find your balance. And bread."Music has so many healing properties, done right. And there are lots of ways to slice the bread of being a musician. There's diet, there's travel, there's companionship, there's love. All those things are to be executed in style, with deliberateness."

3. Travel with a companion with whom you make merry. " I travel with my wife, Etty. Some people might say we have a co-dependent lifestyle, but I don't know if co-dependency is such a bad word considering the shape that I'm in. We definitely make merry together. Making love is a big part of my fitness. It sounds funny, I know. Just five minutes ago, Etty said to me, 'You know, we get along so much better when we make love in the morning.' That is very real factoid and a very real part of my regimen."

4. You should be dancing more."After sex and being in love comes singing and dancing. If you sing and dance for two hours, four or five nights a week, you'll have a ripped stomach, a glow and a sparkle in your eyes. Chicks will want to lay with you, and guys will want to be you. But you gotta sing hard. You gotta go out like you're in a prizefight."

5. We're not sure what this one means, but it's intense and inspiring and terrifying and partly about a carnival."I do sit-ups and push-ups, I do pilates. I don't do heavy weights because I don't want to look like a weightlifter. Nothing against heavy, bulky dudes, but I want to look agile like a tiger. I'm cut, and there's definitely a macho-ness to it, but it's not bulk or hulk. It's all agility. I could be somebody like a carnival guy with a buck knife in my back pocket and slice your throat. That's what I like to look like."

6. If at all possible, get a bike from Lance Armstrong. " I run on beach sand. I surf. I have a USA Team bike that was given to me by—believe it or not—Lance Armstrong. I love to snowboard. I have a half-pipe in my backyard. I'm an old-school soul surfer."

7. Speaking of surfing, you should do that more too."Surfing's dangerous. Surfing's beautiful. It's like being a lion tamer, man. To drop into a wave is dangerous. It might crush your skull, or slice your head open. Or you can make it, and have this memory of being in this beautiful tunnel that actually makes the sound of a bell [sings]. It's not too late, man. There's plenty of waves still coming. They're coming in all the time."

8. Practice moderation, and eat candy canes. " You can eat a fucking poundcake, but not every day. You don't have to sacrifice, cut everything out of your life. It's just about knowing the proper time and place for everything. God put it all out there. Sugar cane comes from cane—they man, sure, give me a candy cane when it's Christmas, but not all the time, get it?"

9. You can have it all!"This is another secret I'll share with you: I think you can do it all in life. You can eat whatever the fuck you want, but you can't eat too much of it. If you feel like you're eating too much, stay away for a while until you trim down. If you take too much of anything, it's gonna mess up your chemistry. I don't stack up on sweets. Sugar, I'm not that crazy about. But I don't abstain from it. I just eat until I feel like, 'OK that's enough.' Just get out there and be physical and active, and come in and have some food. You should break a sweat every day. Hey man, beauty's a full-time job!"

Perry Farrell will perform March 31 and April 1 in New York at a two-night all-star tribute to the music of David Bowie.