UrbanUpdate

I have perfect eyebrows. I really do. They’re identical, subtly arched, and full without being bushy. Every follicle is in lockstep. It’s like there’s one really strict boss lash who micro-manages the other lashes into picturesque roofs for my eyes. I’m basically the black male Cindy Crawford.

When my friends used to make fun of me for (allegedly) plucking or sculpting my eyebrows, it bothered me. Though I never have and never will actually work on my eyebrows, the accusation still got under my skin. Sure, I want perfect eyebrows. But I don’t want people to think I want perfect eyebrows—to mistake me for the sort of person who might expend even a little time, money, or effort perfecting his eyebrows.

I just want to look good. I say it without shame, and you should, too. But that self-consuming quest for looking good—vanity, or the perception of vanity—has haunted me since sixth grade. Ever since I got an in-school suspension for brushing my hair during language arts. (Joss Tillard-Gates told me that’s how you get your hair to wave up like Diddy’s—he was right.) This was the first time in my life I was accused of being vain. And it cut me to the core. I was raised to believe that vanity wasn’t just distasteful—it was borderline immoral. A corrosive distraction. That being consumed with your appearance would directly inhibit you from reaching your full potential on other fronts, with other parts of your body, like, say, your brain. But there are ways to take care of yourself better than you ever could’ve imagined, without crossing the line.

How do I work on myself without tipping the balance of self-improvement over into self-obsession? How do I fix pimple scars or my posture or my man-feet without becoming like the very over-primped people I kinda despise? How do I care without over-caring? I’ve spent a lot of time devising some well-worn ground rules. Start here with the commandments. And then let us help you navigate the treatments and tactics that’ll help make you the best (and smoothest and shiniest) version of you.—Mark Anthony Green

1. Know Thy Line...

...between hygienic and vainglorious. Sort everything you’re doing—or considering doing—into two categories: wellness and polish. Going to the dentist? That’s wellness. But getting your teeth whitened? That’s polish. Seemingly harmless indulgences—the vain man’s version of “I only smoke when I drink”—can rapidly proliferate into pack-a-day narcissism. Minding the line between universally accepted upkeep and soul-less self-absorption is critical.

2. Vanity Is About Time

Vanity is not, contrary to popular belief, a function of money but rather of time. Recently I started getting laser facials instead of spending three minutes a day washing my face. While seemingly more involved, laser facials take up just ten minutes per week. I spend less time worrying about my acne, thus freeing up time to…not think about myself. Almost anything that saves you net time, no matter how indulgent, is justifiable.

3. Do What’s Right for You

There’s no universal best nose or beard. My beautiful eyebrows would look insane on Jonah Hill. Everything boils down to you trying to look your best, for you.

4. No Permanent Markers

Permanent is permanently bad. Nothing that’s forever, unless it’s, like, a pacemaker.—M.A.G.

“Every man should have a magnifying mirror. If you look good magnified, you are set to go.”—Tom Ford

©Paramount/Courtesy Everett CollectionWhat More Can You Do for Your Teeth? Whiten Away (Just Not at Home)

In order to get one of those blinding movie-star grins, you have to do more than use a whitening toothpaste. Things like white strips or brush-on gel are a fine next step. Some people opt to go the “natural” route and use one of those new charcoal powders. If you have an Instagram account, you’ve probably seen someone #blessed to be #sponsored by an at-home LED whitening system. It’s a milder version of the whitening treatment you can get at the dentist’s office but tends to take longer and is less effective. Pony up and consult a pro.—Garrett Munce

Beardvanity: The Only Vain That’s A-OK?

The flip side of living in a society that expects women to look the way they do through a Snapchat filter is that nobody accuses me of vanity when I spend hours doing my hair and putting on makeup. I can spend $60 on toner and invisible face water, and I’m still not vain—I’m just another fresh-faced victim of the patriarchy. Not so for men. Straight men who invest heavily in their appearance are mostly regarded with suspicion by women. (Gay men are mostly admired; it’s just one of those things.)

But your beard is the one feature you can obsess over freely without alienating women. It’s the man cave of the face. I’d be spooked if a guy spent an hour artfully disheveling his hair, but by all means take three hours doing whatever it is you do with beard wax. I’ll watch. Buy that $500 industrial-looking electric razor—you can plug it into my wall. Slather yourself in beard oil and please, please tell me what you do with a badger brush. Your beard ritual is as intriguing to me as my beauty regimen is to you. So be beardvain. Just don’t leave little clippings in my goddamn sink.—Lauren Larson

“My bathroom is filled with so many different toiletries, so every night is a different experience.”—Diddy

AF archive / Alamy Stock PhotoThe Spectrum of Foot-Care Indulgence: Are You a “Baby Foot” Kinda Guy?

1. Clipping Your ToenailsThe bare minimum. Length between “nothing” and “talons.”

2. Callus ShaverLike a cheese knife for your feet and one of the most terrifying grooming tools ever invented.

3. Pumice StoneUse this rock to scrape the dead skin off your soles and heels about once a week.

4. Traditional PedicureOnce you get over the awkwardness of having someone else work on your feet, you’ll be astounded at how clean they end up.

5. “Baby Foot”Leave this foot mask on for one hour, and a week later the dead skin will molt off.

6. Fish PedicureThe holy grail of weird grooming treatments, in which your feet are submerged in a tank of hundreds of tiny hungry fish that nibble your dead skin away. (Not exactly FDA-approved.)

A New Frontier: Sheet Masks

Skin care is such a big deal in South Korea that it’s endorsed by the government. In fact, there’s an unofficial national skin-care routine that features a minimum of ten steps. Over the past few years, those complex daily routines have trickled our way, and though they sound only slightly less involved than studying for the bar, there are elements of the regimen worth highlighting.

This is where sheet masks come in: They’re designed to get highly concentrated ingredients into your skin and only need to be used about once a week for less than the time it takes to watch an episode of Veep. The main reason to use these masks is hydration, something men especially need in their skin. And if you can look past some of the crazier ingredients (don’t be put off by the snail slime), you’ll find real changes to your mug. Bonus: You can scare the shit out of your girlfriend when you open the bathroom door looking like Hannibal Lecter.—G.M.

“One should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art.”—Oscar Wilde

©Universal/Courtesy Everett CollectionHow Do I Know I’ve Gone Too Far? The Six-Pack Dilemma

Genetic factors notwithstanding, those guys you see with six-packs probably work out constantly, eat highly restrictive diets, and possibly take a ton of supplements. There are quasi-surgical options that claim to give you a shortcut. I fell for CoolSculpting, and after a few hours with my love handles sucked into a giant ice-cold vacuum cleaner, the only thing that changed was that my fat was numb for a few days. What it taught me is that you need to decide what’s too hard (or literally impossible) to fix and then focus on what you can, and make that amazing. For all the times I wish I had a six-pack or better arms, I get told I have great skin or great hair. And you know what? That’s all the validation I need.—G.M.

You’re looking better than ever. Before you head out, keep in mind this wisdom from The Style Guy.

There’s your vanity, and then there’s what you’re really worried about: the perception of your vanity. It’s the difference between me having perfect eyebrows and my friends thinking I’m perfecting my eyebrows. And it’s never been tougher for the good-looking folks of the world to fight the stigma that they’re obsessed with the way they look, thanks to social media and the proliferation of photos online. Projecting that image over and over again—your beautiful face likes to socialize, so what?!—has an inescapable correlation with the perception of vanity. So do yourself a favor and control what you can control. When you head out into the world, try to stay off people’s feeds and out of their faces. Post less. And be in fewer pictures. A trick to pulling this off without looking like you’re turning Hollywood on your friends: Take a minute to get good at using a camera phone. If you’re the best picture taker in the group, you’ll find yourself behind the camera more often—out of the frame, vanity in check, less about you than everyone else.—M.A.G.

This story originally appeared in the September 2017 issue with the title “How to Be Vain: A Modern Man’s Primer.”

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