UrbanUpdate

Last week, I thought of myself as a reasonably healthy person: I recently cut sweets out of my diet, I try to stick to just a few handfuls of potato chips a day, and I own an impressive selection of activewear. But after 45 minutes with an Ayurvedic medicine specialist, it was revealed to me that I was dead wrong, dying wrong, a rotting husk in a prison of delusion.

You might've heard about Ayurveda by now—it's the ancient Indian healing system that treats the body like a tempest of different energies, in which health is achieved by balancing them all out. In California, it’s legally recognized as a medicinal practice. Ayurvedic diets and therapies are practiced in hospitals all over the world. However, I regret to inform you that you cannot handle the Ayurvedic lifestyle. You might meet with an Ayurvedic specialist in the hopes of achieving a few quick tricks to put yourself a few steps closer to bodily nirvana, and you would leave in tears, your spirit broken: It is that intense.

When I went in for my consultation, Martha Soffer, the Ayurvedic practitioner behind Los Angeles’ Surya Spa, spoke with the compassionate urgency of a 911 dispatcher. In a voice so kind and a demeanor so polite, Soffer indicated to me that my "Pitta Dosha" was out of control, and although she did not suggest that my demise was imminent, her tone was very grave.

According to Ayurveda, the body is governed by three elemental “doshas”, or energies: Vata, which corresponds to air, Kapha the earth, and Pitta, the fiery inferno soon to engulf my body from within. These are managed by a licensed practitioner through looking at your tongue (an important diagnostic technique in Eastern medicine) and fingertips, as well as talking through your dietary habits. Miraculously, from my tongue alone, Soffer figured out: 1) That I have crazy eczema currently, 2) That I had a weird throat thing over the weekend, and 3) That I eat like a pre-frat teenager.

The Western medicine equivalent of too much Pitta could be described as inflammation, which is (simply and broadly) described as stress on your insides. In any case, it is not great for you, as Soffer conveyed to me. This is when I handed over a list of my favorite foods and my daily meals, and she responded by rewriting my daily routine with suggestions that ranged from light touches (a morning tongue scrape) to, um, a nine-day liver cleanse that involves drinking epsom salt water and passing a bunch of gall and liver stones, all at once.

“Is there a way to… slip into this diet, gently?” I asked, trembling in my sneakers. “You know, in case this is a dramatic lifestyle change?”

“This isn’t dramatic,” she decided.

OK!

She and I maybe have disagreed on that one, but that’s not to say her advice isn’t incredible if you’re looking to reach a heightened state of wellness. An anti-inflammatory, Pitta-fighting diet is a great habit to have, which is why I’m delighted to share her advice here. Take what you can handle and adapt it to your lifestyle, and as a fun, added game, try to guess which routines I have adopted. A hint: They require the least effort.

Meditate Daily

Ayurveda was one of the first medicinal systems to draw a connection between mind health and body health—the two go hand in hand. To minimize internal stress, Soffer recommends daily meditation, in tandem with yogic poses for general calm. How long you do it is up to you, but try starting at 10 minutes and working your way up. I do this now and I love it very much.

Scrape Your Tongue

Also in the morning, after the light yoga, preferably with a copper tongue scraper—copper is antibacterial. A morning scrape gets rid of any grossness that has built up on your tongue overnight. It also allegedly improves your sense of taste, which is both incredible and tragic, considering what is about to come next in this list.

Eat One Of Six Foods Every Day For Eternity

It’s possible you’re the kind of person who already adheres to the kind of stringent, joyless diet that Ayurveda dictates. In that case, this should be easy for you. For everybody else, prepare to kiss goodbye every delicious thing you’ve ever known, in favor of some loose greens and the occasional nut.

It is easier to tell you what you CAN eat than what you can’t, so here goes: most leafy vegetables, beans, soft cheeses, almonds, ghee, cilantro, red onions, chicken, WILD SALMON ONLY (don’t even think about farm salmon), and blueberries. Gluten is out of the question unless you are wishing for death. The diet conversation was the highlight of my consultation with Soffer, because it was hilarious: Soffer modified my typical workplace lunch (hummus, sliced turkey, and arugula on a baguette) into a Pitta-friendly version (gluten-free multigrain bread, no cold cuts because they are apparently dangerous, maybe some soft cheese instead). “You still get to have the arugula!” She said, trying to convince me that it was essentially the same.

Mainline Veg Smoothies

Calming your Pitta dosha is forty thousand times easier if you have access to a blender and can liquidate vegetables with abandon. And you’ll be delighted to know that most vegetables are acceptable, excepting nightshades like eggplants, tomatoes, and potatoes. If you have unlimited disposable income, you can also buy them, but they get expensive. I would recommend instead putting that money into a brand new set of organs to replace your old, damaged ones. While costly, it is slightly easier than sticking to an Ayurvedic diet.

Watch Your Liver

I’ll start by saying that there are simple ways to detox your liver, which is essential when regulating your Pitta. Most Ayurvedic liver detoxes resemble standard fasts, in which you limit your beverage intake to water spiked with turmeric for a limited time only. Soffer’s liver detox, by contrast, is a grueling nine day trip through Hell. I cannot even recount it in full because my vision blurred while listening to it, but it involves drinking epsom salt water (with a pinch of grapefruit juice, per Soffer, to make it taste marginally better) and passing a bunch of liver stones. This sounds very unpleasant, albeit ceremonious and probably great for you. If you’re up for the challenge, I’ll direct you to Soffer, who has radiant skin and a calm gut and a tender air. If you’re not, I understand. You can join me in the tongue scraping and the meditating, and you can pass the potato chips.

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