UrbanUpdate

Think about the last time you had it bad for someone—like really bad. Remember all that effort you spent creeping on their social media, running a game plan by your trusted confidants, composing and re-composing your first words, sending that text, and then spiraling into the overwrought aftermath of sending that text. The nervous energy that comes with sweating someone is almost welcome, though, when you put it in perspective of gestures broadly to the outside world. Much like the people who are using this moment to eat better, or to work out regularly, or to pony up for a MasterClass subscription, you too can create your own glimmer of opportunity in this darkened hellscape. It is, potentially, a great time to shoot your shot.

Why? Because in our shrunken, slightly musty world, there's a strong chance that someone single would welcome a friendly dispatch from someone new. Particularly if it's from you, who thinks that they're special in some mystical, cosmic way. And in a sea of stuttering Zoom happy hours with bored friends, wouldn't you love to talk to someone novel about novel things completely unrelated to the novel coronavirus? Even hearing about your crush's standard biographical information—like how many sisters she has or the geographical details of the lame suburb he grew up in—sounds absolutely riveting right about now. The point is: most of us are desperate for something fresh and exciting, and this energy is in your favor, Mr. Crush-haver.

Now, how you get from point A to point B on this journey requires some thought—and thoughtfulness. You can tell a crush from ordinary horniness because this certain someone has dominated your thoughts for a while now, to the point of impeding on your daily functioning. Ergo, reaching out to a crush—whether they're a stranger or someone already in your social orbit (which we'll get to later)—is different than firing off a volley of “u up?” texts and DMs to everyone in your contacts list. It requires taking a deep breath and choosing to be at least somewhat vulnerable—while knowing that if it works, you may be granted access to their undivided attention in a way you might never be able to otherwise. Shoot your shot now, so that one day you'll both be able to consummate all the horny, yearning energy into a meaningful connection and a fruitful relationship.

For those (like me) who are especially gun-shy, this all probably makes your palms sweaty and your arms spaghetti. But what’s helped me immensely is reframing the entire idea of shot-shooting. There's a process here, one you can follow loosely.

To begin: Start small. Make it clear you’ve noticed them—not their smoking hot bod, but them, the whole person with their many talents and eccentricities, the sum of which have made a positive impression upon you. Understand that there's a difference between being a not-so-secret admirer and a fanboy. Don't act as if you're meeting LeBron or all seven members of BTS. What you're aiming for is less "Hey, I'm OBSESSED with you," and more "Hey, I think this thing you do is cool." You don’t need to dump all your heart-eye emojis at their feet from jump. This is your first foray, and you're just waving your hand, saying hi, and making eye contact.

Without getting too pick-up artist, this works because of two principles: reciprocity of attraction and kindness. Studies have shown that acting with kindness makes you more physically attractive to others. It's why so many people have a collective boner for Bernie Sanders, and why I got all hot and bothered when I witnessed a guy help an elderly man who had fallen down in a cafe. Honestly, few things make me sweat a dude more than witnessing evidence of him being intentionally kind, respectful, and tactful. Reciprocity of attraction is basically the “jinx!” of crushing. When you let someone know that you’re interested—even in small, oblique, "great tweet" ways—you become more attractive to them in turn. Think about any time you learned that someone was feeling you: you checked them out right back. Sometimes all it takes is directing some admiring attention towards a person to get yourself on their radar.

There is, of course, the possibility that this can be alienating or awkward, depending on who the object of your desire is—less so for an acquaintance or social media mutual, more so for a complete stranger. Temper your approach accordingly. You can’t let your quarantined brain sacrifice tact for effort here, no, never.

If they're a total stranger...

To avoid sounding random and desperate with someone you don’t know at all, it's helpful to remark on something about them other than their appearance that you find attractive—if you open with “Hello, beautiful,” I’m here to tell you, you’re getting blocked immediately. Maybe it’s their activism work you stumbled across out of mutual interest, maybe it’s the extensive knowledge of marine biology they deliver via scintillating Twitter threads, maybe they’re really good at shooting pool and you tripped across their profile because you love the #pooltrickshots tag. Let them know how it is you became a follower—but whatever it is, it can’t be specific to a post from, say, 11 months ago. That screams, “I think you’re hot and I did a cursory once-over of your social media to find something to talk to you about.” Not a good look!

The success of the open-ended compliment involves a trifecta of being direct, intentional, and polite (DIP, if you will). I’ve had a handful of DM approaches that were nicely executed, like one a few months ago from a guy who said he’d found an article I’d written (during my career as a beauty editor, circa 2019, many lives ago) about one of my favorite exfoliators. He tried it for himself, glowed the hell up, and thanked me for helping him vanquish his blackheads, which he’d been very self-conscious about. He went on to say he’d gone on to read more of my work because he found it entertaining. Let me tell you that I would a hundred times prefer a man to gush about how hilarious and clever I am than about how hot I am. Will we find true love through skincare reccs? That is none of your business! But my DMs are always open to a dude who DIPs.

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If they’re someone who happens to be very offline (so sexy, so mysterious), I’m sorry to report that unless you have their direct number or personal email address, you have to wait this out. Also wait if you do have them, because how did you even get those?

If you’re casual friends, Internet acquaintances, or more…

For someone you’ve had previous contact with in some way—you travel in similar social circles, you’re Instagram mutuals, you always go to the same Pilates class—it should be easier to find something meaningfully kind to say to them that you’ve no doubt already thought about. Even if it’s just that you dig their style or that their Insta stories are reliably hilarious—that’s valid. I have it on good authority that people love knowing when they make other people laugh.

Discard the notion of failure altogether here, because failure implies a sense of expectation, which is not something to cultivate. Neither ask for nor expect anything in return. This is key. Remember what I said about being vulnerable? This is not about winning or losing—it’s about putting yourself in the slightly scary, definitely vulnerable place of connecting with someone new.

Even if your compliment doesn’t lead where you hoped it might, at least you’ve brightened someone’s day. A friend of mine recently put this strategy to the test with someone she’d met at a party in the before-times, but otherwise was not likely to see again. They connected on Instagram and shortly after, she shot off a short two-to-three sentence missive about how she thought he was super stylish and how impressed she was with his make-up skills and creativity. He responded by humbly thanking her. By asking for nothing in return, she wasn’t fussed about what would happen next—but if there was a chance he might also be interested in her, he now had a green light. Also, if he was dating someone, which she was uncertain of, this approach doesn’t step on anyone’s toes. So simple, so elegant, so—in the words of Rob Thomas feat. Santana—smooth.

The pandemic has put smuch about our lives on hold, including the pace at which society pressures us to be productive for productivity’s sake, which absolutely includes our romantic ambitions. Everyone knows you can’t hurry love and now some of that pressure is off—and you should lean into that, if it's a source of comfort. But while sending someone a nice note won’t guarantee a budding romance, it also won't commit anyone. It's a laissez-faire approach to connecting and a way of making someone's day a little less dark, because we all could use that right about now.

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