UrbanUpdate

It has been almost a year since abortion access in the United States was kneecapped by the Supreme Court’s decision overturning Roe v. Wade. States are now free to outlaw the procedure, and 14 states have done so so far. Living and having sex under these conditions is fraught for everyone, but especially for people who can get pregnant. So if you’re someone, on the other hand, who can get someone pregnant—and we’re mostly talking to cis men here—this is a guide for what you need to do to not be a dick.

1. Know law in the state you live in—and any state you have sex in.

Abortion laws are changing rapidly—almost universally for the worse. You should know where your state stands and what would happen should your partner want or need an abortion. The Guttmacher Institute is great about tracking abortion access laws. Ineedana.com lets you enter your zip code and pregnancy information to find care. You can also check out AbortionFinder.org. The National Abortion Hotline can also help either over the phone or via chat if you have questions.

This knowledge can go from theoretical to crucial very quickly. A woman who I’ll call Adrienne told GQ that about a year ago she moved to a less-restrictive state, in large part because of their abortion laws—which she ended up needing. “It was a little bit of a shock to be like, ‘Oh, okay, now I actually have to use that access,’” she said.

2. Do everything you can to support your partner if they need or want an abortion.

If you live in a state where abortion is protected, that could be as simple as a ride to the doctor’s office. In a restrictive state, it gets more complicated. Self-managed medication abortion from gray market suppliers or a nonprofit like Aid Access is common, safe, and straightforward but theoretically carries legal risk. The other option is travel to an out-of-state clinic. If you can cover your partner’s travel expenses, you should.

If you are both short on resources, a good way to help is by asking for help. Don’t be afraid to find abortion funds or call in favors if you can’t figure something out on your own. Jessica Tholmer was on the board of Northwest Abortion Access Fund for two years and helped run their practical support hotline; her entire job was helping people both in the area and out of state get access to an abortion if they needed it. NWAAF helps people “with all of the logistics,” she says. “That includes how they're getting to and from the clinic, gas money, flights, train tickets, lodging (which is usually in a hotel post-Covid), food and child care.” (Most people getting abortions already have children).

3. Offer to be present for any sexual health procedures your partner might want you at.

Please note the word “offer.” A lot of people do not want their partner there with them or do not care at all.

Adrienne asked her partner to come over to her house for her self-managed abortion. “I asked him ‘Would you mind coming over tonight?’” she said. “He agreed, but had stuff to do that night. So he was like ‘I’ll come over between this thing and this other thing.” And then I didn't hear from him. I gave him an hour, because he's always late. I tried calling and texting and it went to voicemail. And then I didn't hear from him for the next five days. He did post a photo of him chugging beer with his friends.”

Another woman, Jessica, had a D&C (which stands for dilatation and curettage, a surgical abortion procedure), said she also had a very “hands off” partner. “My partner gave me half the money but that was it. And it’s like…I have to get there. You usually have to have a known driver to be there with you to take you home. Often a Uber or Lyft just isn't really enough.” Jessica said that she also wanted less tangible support: “With all of the laws passing, everything just feels harsher. It's really hard not to feel like you're doing something wrong even if you know morally you’re not.”

Not sure what to say or do? Just be there. Show up, bring snacks, don’t make it about you. Adrienne had another partner around that time who found out what she was going through. “I told him ‘I’m literally just lying on the floor right now.’ He's like, ‘Great. I'll come lie on the floor with you.’”

4. Split the cost of an abortion, yes, but also birth control.

Most insurance covers birth control, but it doesn’t always cover the costs of visiting a doctor to get birth control. (And not everyone is insured, obviously). It also doesn't usually cover emergency contraception, or Plan B, bought over the counter. No matter what you and your partner are using, you should be paying half. Don’t wait for your partner to ask, just say, “How much do I owe you for X?” X here is something like “your IUD,” “your birth control appointment." And if you don't know what X is, exactly, it's time to learn. Think of it this way: you’re paying a very, very small fee to not have to pay for daycare in two years.

5. Know what abortions are and how they work.

There are two basic types of abortion—surgical and medicated. Medicated or self-managed abortion is done with a series of two pills (one of which is the one being discussed in the case brought to the Supreme Court). At-home medicated abortion is incredibly safe, and has been used worldwide for decades.

6. Know what miscarriages are and how they work.

Miscarriage is when someone experiences pregnancy loss before 20 weeks. (After that, pregnancy loss is called stillbirth.) About 10 to 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage. D&Cs and abortion drugs are commonly prescribed when someone has a miscarriage—bodies don’t always give birth simply because a baby is no longer viable. Lack of access to abortion pills or D&Cs can lead to serious health issues like sepsis and infection for people who have miscarriages in restrictive states.

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7. Listen to your partner complain about their birth control method.

You do not need to try to fix it or research a different method. There is probably not a magical solution that only you have thought of. But just know—and be ready to hear again—that birth control kind of sucks shit all around. (Famously, a male birth control pill trial ended when the men in the trial ended up experiencing… the side effects that cis women experience from birth control all the time.)

8. Be open to switching methods, even if it means you fuck differently.

Birth control has to work for both people. So if your partner wants to forgo birth control entirely, or try a method whose efficacy you aren’t comfortable with, you are more than fine for that to change if/how/when you have sex! If you don’t feel comfortable enough with how effective cycle tracking is, for example, or if your partner forgets to take their pill a lot and you don’t want to bang right now, that’s a great boundary to have. But if your partner wants to give up on a type of birth control that has been hellish for them, but nice for you because you’ve gotten to raw dog for a while, sorry pal, you gotta get on board.

9. If you have any chance of impregnating someone, have condoms on you.

Condoms that actually fit. And then wear them without complaint. If condoms ruin sex for you, it’s likely that you’re not having all that great of sex, to be honest. If coming is a bit more difficult when you wear a condom, there are many other things that are hot and horny other than p-in-v sex. Get creative.

10. Know your STD status.

Like, actually know it, because you’ve been tested. Just because you are not obviously symptomatic does not mean you’re STI free. For example, chlamydia, the most frequently reported STD in the U.S, is usually asymptomatic; according to the CDC, only about 10% of men with confirmed infections showed symptoms. Please do not wait until symptoms show up to be tested. Further, if you have herpes (which one out of six people from 14-49 has) and don’t have a current outbreak or any symptoms—which is incredibly likely—you will need a blood test to be diagnosed. Most STIs are treatable or curable now, and can be managed with medication. Using a condom and knowing your status for sure and not just because your penis doesn’t feel sick is the best way to have safe sex.

11. Look into a vasectomy.

Do you know what childbirth is like? I mean, honestly? Ever really thought about vaginal tearing? Compare that with the minimally invasive, highly effective and really not at all a big deal procedure that is The Vasectomy. Seriously, if you’re very sure you don’t want kids in the future, a vasectomy might be for you! They are also reversible, with a 60 to 95 percent success rate depending on your body and how long it’s been since the procedure (the sooner after your vasectomy, the better your chances of having a child).

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12. If you’re in a relationship, talk to your partner about what your plan is should an accidental pregnancy occur.

It’s not an ironclad contract or anything like that! There is absolutely a chance that your partner decides something different when they actually become pregnant (and if they are the one pregnant it is absolutely their choice). But get on the same page about what you want to do should an unwanted pregnancy happen. Do you want kids now? Ever? Together? It’s a lot better to have some guidelines to fall back on before you’re in a high-stress situation that often requires very quick decision making.

13. Donate to abortion funds, especially if you have benefited from an abortion.

Or if you’ve had (or are having) sex which could accidentally lead to an unwanted pregnancy. Or if you ever want to have sex. Here’s a good rule of thumb: However much you’ve spent on sunglasses this year, you should spend at the very least that on abortion funds.

14. Be vocal about how birth control and abortion have benefitted you.

Don’t share someone else’s business, of course, but be upfront and open about the topic. Seeing cis men who we all know are having possibly-pregnancy-inducing sex on the regular be absolutely silent on the issue is infuriating. So speak up more often than you do now, even if it means sharing little Instagram infographics to your stories, OK? 

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