UrbanUpdate

In my twenties, I treated my body like a garbage disposal, concluding beer-soaked nights with bourbon and buffalo-chicken sandwiches—and yet I woke up healed after six hours of sleep. Now that I'm 30, I can't even have red and white wine in the same night, and food before bed leads to nightmares and sweats.

I'm adjusting my intake because I feel like hell if I don't. But what about the stuff I can't feel? Guys my age tend to avoid the doctor unless bones are broken or blood is spurting. And yet soldiering on without seeing a doctor is not the tough-guy move we think it is; we're just chickenshittedly avoiding the prospect of uncomfortable news.

So I've spent the past several weeks asking physicians point-blank questions about my health. For instance: How do I know if I'm healthy? What does a suspicious mole look like? Can I get Xanax prescribed for my nervousness about prostate exams?

Now that I know what to tell my doctors, and what to ask for, I am here to share what I've discovered. Men everywhere need to understand that early detection isn't always a chore—it does, after all, include the joyful task of checking your testicles for lumps.

When providing your family history, go beyond your parents. Mention any chronic or oddball diseases suffered by your grandparents or siblings—especially those diagnosed at a young age. Your 90-year-old grandmother misusing the word blog does not necessarily put you at risk of dementia.You know how they weigh you before every doctor's appointment? Divide your weight by the square of your height in inches, then multiply that number by 703 to get a more useful figure: your body mass index (BMI), a rough shorthand for whether you're over- or underweight. A BMI between 18.5 and 24.9 is optimal. Mine is 25. Then again, I have always lived on the edge.If you're like me—pale and lousy with moles—or have a history of severe sunburns, ask a dermatologist for an annual skin check. Watch out for moles that are changing shape, size, or color, as these can turn malignant. The exam takes only minutes as the doctor wands you with a tiny magnifying lens, the sort of thing a jeweler might use to check if a diamond is covered in skin cancer.Unhealthy alcohol use is knocking back more than fourteen drinks per week. If fourteen doesn't sound to you like all that many, you can request a liver-enzyme test—though a truly damaged liver may be so enlarged that your doctor can feel the swelling through your skin. Or smell the whiskey through your pores.Your ideal blood pressure is below 120/80. For total cholesterol, aim for sub-200. While it's always nice to know your numbers, regular checks should kick in around age 35—or about the time you start listening to Steve Earle, whichever comes first.Oh, and rectal exams to detect prostate cancer aren't even recommended anymore, unless you have symptoms. More good news: Colonoscopies seldom start until around age 50, so you'll be well into middle age before your anus becomes a hub of medical investigation. At that point, you'll appreciate the attention.Some physical problems (sexual dysfunction, fatigue, panic attacks, teeth grinding) may actually originate in your brain. If you're experiencing any of these, it might be time to see a shrink.Sexually active single guys trying to break Wilt Chamberlain's record should get tested for STDs at least once a year.Testicular cancer is the most common cancer for young men. Guys should start self-exams as young as 14 or 15. Don't ignore lumps, swelling, or pain (as if you could). Feel free to explore the space.Preventive care is a process. Do not expect some magical Tim Ferriss lifehack that detects problems before they start: If you're over 30 and your thumbnail starts growing faster than your other nails, you're showing early signs of stroke, so hold your breath and eat a banana every day at 3 P.M. Sadly, that's not how medicine works. Yet.

Comedian Max Silvestri thanks doctors Jennifer MacGregor, Christine Laine, Matthew Lorber, and Ora Pearlstein for helping us all to cheat death.

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