Everybody Looks Better When They Go Platinum Blond
In April 2018, to the shock and acclaim of the world news media, I went platinum blond, and guess what? I love it. It makes me look far less pale and sickly than I am without the aid of smoke and mirrors. And something that is widely understood but rarely discussed is that everybody looks better when platinum blond. Look at Frank Ocean, Riz Ahmed, Chris Messina. It is a universally flattering shade.
It is also a white-hot prison of vanity, a screaming demon baby that requires your constant attention, and other metaphors. When you bleach your hair, you ink a satanic contract that allows you to look your absolute best for the price of constant vigilance. Pleasures become threats, like swimming in the ocean, or being outside in general. When a platinum blond is robbed of its stark white tones, it begins to yellow, rotting in real time, and then you look bad.
What a blessing, then, that last year, God—or whoever you worship!—gave us weapons by which we beautiful blond angels could finally fight back against the ferocious Underworld. They come from French haircare brand Redken, and they have made it so we can live happily and rejoin the uglies in the noble human pursuit of joy.
The Holy Blade: Redken Blondage ShampooWhen hair is bleached, it is lightly browned like a sautéed dumpling, and it is the toning process that turns it blond: Applying a deep purple or blue dye for a limited amount of time leaves behind a cool wash of color that turns yellow-blond into white-blond. This is relatively simple, so why are so many purple shampoos light in color and heavy in texture, making them difficult to use? I do not know. Redken’s shampoo is as violet as the dusk just before the sun dips beneath the horizon. You leave it in for a few minutes, and you rinse it out. It is easy!
His Magnificent Shield: Redken Blondage ConditionerTone is very important, but it is only half of the battle: The elements still conspire against you. During the bleaching process, the delicate strands of your hair are nuked within an inch of their lives, and they become brittle and dehydrated in the process. In order to reteach it to behave like regular hair, you have to coax it all the time with tons of moisture. In the shower, Blondage’s conditioner is whipped and buttercreamy, and it’s even tinted slightly, to complete what the shampoo started. I’m sorry that being blond is a prison, but I hope this helps.
A Blond’s Best Friend
Redken Blondage Shampoo$22
Ulta
Be the best blond you can be.
Redken Blondage Conditioner$22
Ulta
Read MoreWill This Be the Summer You Finally Dye Your Hair?All the cool teens are doing it.
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