We Helped Barack Obama Choose a Retirement Beard
Very few American presidents have worn a beard while in office in the modern age. Like late night talk show hosts, our politicians—Barack Obama included—have to dress and groom themselves with inoffensiveness in mind, not personal expression. Apparently we, the American people, prefer our cultural and political leaders clean shaven. Maybe it's just a lowest-common-denominator safe zone. Maybe because it insinuates a certain rigor and transparency. We've seen Paul Ryan wear a cringe-inducing stubble that matched his cringe-inducing sycophancy. Leading us to believe that maybe clean shaven is the smartest move for a pol.
But not for a civilian. As we prepare to say goodbye to the nation's coolest President ever , Barack Obama, we hope that he takes full advantage of his newfound joblessness to grow a massive retirement beard. Once President Obama leaves office, we don't want to see him all buttoned-up. We want to see him enjoying himself. And we hope he does so with some gnarly facial hair. Like David Letterman, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and Kobe Bryant too, a man with a big face of fuck-you fur is a man who has fully embraced his freedom. He answers to no one—not his party, not the Senate, not the U.N., no one. Except Michelle. Michelle has to dig the beard.
President Obama (we're going to miss typing that), we know that even in retirement you'll still be a busy man. With that in mind, here are six retirement beards inspired by some of our favorite celebrity facial hair, so you can get started on the perfect one come January 20th:
No. 1: The Reggie Watts
It's hard to find a more psychedelic beard than the one belonging to the melodically funny Reggie Watts. This beard is perfect for a sound bath in Joshua Tree followed by an all night desert ayahuasca trip. It's untamed. Unbound. Much like we hope Obama will be when he no longer has to measure his words as President.
No. 2: The Alain Toussaint
Arguably more reserved, Toussaint's goatee is the perfect gateway beard. President Obama, if you want to wade into the waters of facial hair after nearly a decade off, we don't blame you. Start off safe. Work your way up.
No. 3: The Tiger Woods
On Tiger this chin-only beard looked extremely creepy, and originally we intended it as a warning against making a bad beard move. But Obama, somehow, pulls it off. Some dads are just cooler.
No. 4: The James Harden
Like the Reggie Watts, but more angular. This gloriously full beard is the facial equivalent of a KEEP OUT sign. A little defensive. It'll keep critics—and the hordes of selfie-wanting civilians—at bay. At least for the first month.
No. 5: The Donald Glover
We like to think that appropriating Glover's cheerful mid-length facial hair will get the President's creative juices flowing. George W. Bush took up painting post-presidency, and we know that Barry can croon a little. Who knows, maybe he'll do a guest spot on Atlanta and win a Golden Globe.
No. 6: The Drake
Psychologically, this one fits nicely. Like Drizzy, Barack Obama has always been a man of quiet contemplation. Plus this beard goes perfectly with every retiree's favorite look: the cozy boy tracksuit.
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